recently a blog post was making the rounds on my birth board and facebook, "i became a mother and died to live." it came highly recommended, with comments about how dead on it was and it brought many women to tears. i read it a few times and just couldn't see what the big deal was. it contains such dramatic lines as "a heart mourning the woman that once was, and a soul shaking under the weight of a new giant world." meh. for me, there is no mourning, no shaking. i realized that the reason for my lack of reaction is that i didn't recently become a mother; i've always been one. i was born to do this and it's all i've ever wanted. this is who i was all along and all i needed was the baby to make it complete.

i hear a lot of women say they weren't ready, and then they comfort themselves by saying that no one is ever ready. excuse me! please do not project your insecurities on the rest of us. i couldn't have been more ready. i was 31, going on 32. i had spent the previous 8 years believing that i had infertility issues and that my dream of having children was going to be difficult to achieve, if not impossible. i partied. i dated. i had a career. i left it behind. i lived in new york city. i moved to a new city on a greyhound bus. at the age of 30, i sold all my belongings and moved to a caribbean island with one suitcase, my dog and a man i'd known for a month. i've done it all and once i found colby, my absolute perfect partner, the only thing that was missing in my life was my amazing daughter. our amazing daughter.

before sweet catherine, we were already homebodies, so there is no social life to mourn. i've never loved my body, so i can't say i'm that upset about it being a little saggy these days. i don't feel lonely or isolated, in fact i feel more loved and supported by my friends and family than ever before. even though our baby girl was a surprise and we aren't financially well off, i've never questioned if this was a mistake. sometimes it doesn't even feel real, but this is exactly how it was meant to be.

as far as i'm concerned, i was not a different person this time last year. and if i was, i don't miss her at all.